


the things we never say out loud

by dipstick



Series: What Makes A Man? [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Agender Character, Batfamily Feels, Bruce Wayne is a Good Dad, Gen, Latino Character, Latinx Character, Nonbinary Character, Sick Fic, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-15 00:59:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10547330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dipstick/pseuds/dipstick
Summary: "Remember when I had the flu back in high school and I couldn't wear my binder for like a week. I was a wreck." Jason pondered.Bruce looked away from him as he spoke, eyes drifting across the room. "I remember when you were feverish and I tried to make you soup because Alfred was away. You called me 'a useless rich man' and then made it yourself.""I stand by my word," Jason laughed but it quickly turned into a rough cough. He croaked out, "You are still a useless rich man."





	

**Author's Note:**

> An anon on tumblr gave me some beautiful insp that I had to roll with so here you go.
> 
> This fic takes place after the course of Boys Aren't Meant to Cry and the sequel fic I have planned for it so it will allude to events you haven't seen yet!

Jason was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It had only been about three days, but the flu that had caught him was dragging through his head to what felt like his bones. He had holed himself up in his apartment attempting to sleep it off, not feeling the energy to do much more than toss and turn in bed.

He woke up suddenly to the sound of knocking at his door.  

He peeled himself out of his blankets tossing on a shirt from his floor and not bothering to pull any pants over his boxers.

He grabbed his glock from his bedside table and moved to look through his front door peephole. Fully prepared to shoot through the wood of the door and go pass back out if it was anyone shady.

When he saw Alfred's features looking back at him he blanched quickly unlatching the door and pulling it open.

"What're you doing here?" He rasped out. He made sure none of the family knew were he was staying at any given time, he didn't know how Alfred would have found him.

"My worries were correct," Alfred said placing his hand to Jason's forehead. "Getting sick and not telling anyone, master Jason, I thought you knew better."

"I'm doing fine on my own." Jason batted off Alfred's hand gently.

"When have you last eaten?" Alfred asked squinting at him distrustfully.

Jason looked away shuffling farther into his apartment. Standing wasn't doing well for him right now and he edged towards his shitty plastic kitchen chair.

"Master Jason?" Alfred prompted again, anger in his tone.

"I don't know," Jason mumbled as he collapsed into the chair. His legs were shaking. When had he last ate, last drank? He couldn't remember, all he could remember was feverish sleep.

Alfred sighed and then moved into his bedroom. Jason put his head on his kitchen table, and tried not to feel like a shitty disappointment as his head pounded.

"Come along then." Alfred said a couple minutes later. 

Jason raised his head to see that Alfred had a stack of his clothes under one arm. A pair of sweat pants held out in the other.

"What?" Jason asked.

"Put these on. Then I'm taking you to the manor." Alfred said, voice giving no room for argument.

"Ah come on, Alfred, I'm fine." Jason wouldn't like to admit he whined, but he was truly feeling wretched and would much rather be asleep than being berated by his abuelo.

"You obviously can not be trusted to take care of yourself, sir." Alfred said as he came over and helped him stand from the chair. Jason guessed he hadn't managed to hide the shake in his legs before.

Alfred helped him into the sweat pants and than grabbed one of Jason's jackets handing it to him. Jason put it on without any fighting. He was too tired to even attempt to refuse Alfred.

Once he got his arms through the coat he sagged into himself. Feeling like he'd fall asleep were he stood.

Alfred tutted at him as he zipped the coat up for him. His hand rested on Jason's cheek for a moment. 

"It's okay to rely on your family once and a while, Jason." He said quietly.

Jason looked down, a sheepish smile on his face.

"Let's get going then," Alfred said ushering him out of the building and into the stately town car that hadn't changed a bit since Jason's childhood.

Jason fell back to sleep the second the car pulled away from his street.

 

* * *

 

He collapsed onto the living room couch curling his knees into his chest.

"Master Jason," Alfred said hands on his hips. "You can't just stay there, I have your room ready for you."

"No." Jason said pushing his face into the couch cushions.

"Jason." Alfred said, short, clipped, angry. _Disappointed_.

"I don't wanna go there." Jason said, he didn't want to fail Alfred. Not anymore than he already had. "Makes it worse."

"Makes what worse, sir?" Alfred asked quietly.

"The- the shaking and stuff." Jason said, he didn't want to talk about this even when he was healthy. Didn't want to talk about the panic, the nightmares. The fact that he never seemed to move on from anything in his life.

"At least let me make up a guest room for you." Alfred said, concern lacing his voice.

Jason turned his face out of the pillow to look up at Alfred where he stood next to him. "I like the couch, it's a good couch. It's close to the kitchen and the bathroom, won't have to move much. It's no bother." 

Alfred sighed again, this time even deeper. "Very well. But if master Bruce puts up a fuss, he'll know this was all your idea."

"Of course, Alfie, I'm the one in the family with all the bad ideas." Jason replied with a smirk.

"I wouldn't quite say that, but they really are something, sir." Alfred said leaving the room.

He returned again with a blanket and pillow. Jason let Alfred tuck the new sleep arrangements around him. 

"I'll be back with some food in a moment, Jason," Alfred said leaning down and placing a small kiss on his forehead.

"Gross," Jason said but he couldn't wipe the smile off his face. 

Alfred brought him some delicious lentil and ham soup and cold medicine. Once Jason was full and the meds kicked in he quickly fell back into sleep. A small content smile on his face.

Jason really had missed home, but he'd never say that out loud.

 

* * *

 

He was awoken again to the feeling of eyes on him. For a second he panicked quickly pushing the blanket away from himself to see his attacker. But it was just Damian, looming over him. 

Damian looked displeased. Jason sagged back down, deciding to ignore him in favor of passing back out. Being awake was not a good idea right now.

"What are you doing, Todd?" Damian asked.

"Leave him alone, he's sick." Tim said. He was sitting in the armchair that was at the end of the coach, what looked like a math textbook in his hands. 

"You." Jason raised a finger to point at him. "Don't have a spleen."

"Amazing observation, Einstein." Tim replied, amused.

"You should be far away from me," Jason grumbled, turning over.

"Aw, you actually give a shit about me," Tim said voice dripping with sarcasm, Jason thought he heard feet on the carpet, as if he was leaving.

"Course I do, dumbass," he mumbled as he fell back to sleep.

They were brothers after all.

 

* * *

 

He felt gross. He never slept with his shirt on. Not since he finally got his top surgery. Feeling the fabric pull taught over his chest as he rolled over for what felt like the hundredth time, he couldn't handle it anymore. It reminded him too much of the time before. When he had to bind, when he had to constrict, when he had to hate himself.

He struggled into a sitting position and pulled his shirt over his head. Chucking it across the room. Good riddance. He flagged back into the couch, vertical for the first time in what must have been hours.

Damian wandered into the room sketchbook in hand, Titus trailing after him.

"You're awake, finally." Damian said derisively.

"Don't act like I was asleep just to affront you, kid." Jason said with a smirk. Damian sat next to him on the couch. Titus came up to Jason, dark eyes looking mournful as he asked to be pet.

"Hey Dames, when's the last time you spoke to Talia?" Jason asked as he began to rub behind Titus' ears. The dogs tongue lolled out of his mouth as he grinned in satisfaction.

"Hmm, about two weeks ago, why?"

"Want to thank her for the surgery again." Jason said as Titus attempted to lick him.

"I think you've thanked her nearly enough, Todd. She's quite frankly sick of it."

"Well I'm still fucking thankful so she can deal." Jason said shoving Titus' slobbering mouth away from his face.

"I'll tell her those words exactly." Damian replied with a smirk.

Jason flicked Damian's ear lightly. "Don't do that, brat, she'll tear me a new one."

"Exactly the point," Damian said pulling a pencil from his pocket and beginning to sketch.

"Well... nice knowing you, kid." Jason said as he relaxed against the couch cushions. Drifting to the sound of graphite on paper.

 

* * *

 

"You need to shave." Bruce said from above him.

Jason looked up from the pages of _The Chrysalids_ he had been lost in, taking in Bruce's surprised face as it hovered above him.

"This is the first time I've ever seen you with hair on your face." Bruce said, surprise fading into a sad smile.

"I guess so." Jason said. "For how expensive it is just for me to grow this shit, it's a waste I'm a clean shaven man, huh?"

Bruce let out a soft laugh, but the wistful look was still in his eyes. He sat next to Jason and looked at him, something sad in his gaze.

"I wish I had been there to teach you," Bruce said. "How to shave the first time. It's one of the many father-son staples I missed out on." 

"It's okay, padre." Jason mumbled looking at his hands. He bumped his shoulder against Bruce's, "you still got the playing catch thing down."

"That I did. You never wanted to put the mitt down."

Jason was caught in a coughing fit for a minute. It brought other memories alongside it and he wondered how he got here, being nostalgic with his once hated father, but he decided not to question it.

"Remember when I had the flu back in high school and I couldn't wear my binder for like a week. I was a wreck." Jason pondered.

Bruce looked away from him as he spoke, eyes drifting across the room. "I remember when you were feverish and I tried to make you soup because Alfred was away. You called me _'a useless rich man'_ and then made it yourself."

"I stand by my word," Jason laughed but it quickly turned into a rough cough. He croaked out, "You are still a useless rich man."

"I'd like to think I've gotten a bit better," Bruce said looking back at him. "I can do the laundry properly now."

"Oh wow, Bruce," Jason said sarcastically. "I stand corrected, you obviously can accomplish your maximum capacity to take care of yourself without Alfred to help you. Laundry," Jason shook his head, "What's next, taxes?"

 "Ah, shut it, kid." Bruce said, but there was a smile on his face.

They sat in silence for a moment.

 

"I had problems with that, you know? When I got back." Bruce looked confused so he continued. "The taking care of yourself thing. I kept it together to help Damian, but as soon as I left him with you-"

Bruce's arm went around Jason's shoulder. "Did I ever thank you? For bringing him here."

"You don't have to, Bruce." 

"But I want to, because I am thankful. That you brought him home, and you took care of him. And that, even though I can't imagine how hard it was for you, you still kept yourself going. And that you came home too." Bruce said, hold tightening slightly. 

"Your going senile and sentimental, old man," Jason said, voice rough with sickness, but what he thought, must've been emotion too. He leaned into Bruce's embrace, something he'd blame on being sick, just a lapse in judgement.

Jason really had missed his padre, but he'd never say that out loud.

 

* * *

 

It had been about two days of Jason spending his time on the manor couch and he was still feeling like death. Something he really could do with never having to feel again.

There was a bustling at the front door as someone came in from the heavy downpour that Jason could see from the living room window.

Dick came into the room a minute later, hair wet, but smile bright as always. 

"You really are sleeping on the couch, I wasn't sure what Tim was talking about."

"Good to see you too," Jason grumbled. His head was pounding a low rhythm of dull constant pain.

"I heard you were sick, brought you some of that tea from that one shop in Blüdhaven you like," Dick continued sheepishly handing him a green tin with flower petals along the sides.

"Thanks," Jason mumbled, gripping the tin as he drifted.

"You alright there, Jay?" Dick asked, hand now on Jason's forehead. 

"Not much to do, I took my medicine," Jason said with a cough. "I just wanna sleep, but my throat and head hurt too bad, s'keeping me awake."

"How 'bout I turn on a movie and make you some of this tea?" Dick asked quietly as he took the tin back from him.

"Why not." Jason said letting himself curl back into his blanket cocoon.

He closed his eyes and let himself float in that in between sleep and awake place as he listened to Dick move around in the kitchen behind him.

He startled into awareness at the sound of someone entering the room, it was odd to hear anyone in the house, they were all trained under the bat to be as silent as possible. So he knew it must be his newest sibling.

"Why are you shirtless?" Duke asked a slight pinched look on their face.

"Uh sorry, can't sleep with it on." Jason said pulling the blanket up to cover his bare chest.

"Sorry." Duke said, looking embarrassed at their own discomfort.

"Nah it's okay, I should've remembered." Jason said, "I probably shouldn't be crashing on the couch like this either, but I'm not going up to that tomb of a room right now."

"It's fine," Duke said sitting down on the couch at the end of Jason's feet. "It's just hard to see it and not.... not remember how much I want to change."

"It's okay, Duke. You'll get there." Jason said quietly. 

"Yeah I know, it's just hard to picture some days you know?"

"Yeah.. yeah... I know." Jason said. "Dick brought tea by the way, you should probably go grab some if you want it."

"The stuff from Blüdhaven? With the flowers on the tin?" Duke asked excitedly.

"Yep," Jason replied and Duke was gone, vaulting over the back of the couch in their hurry.

 Dick returned with Duke shortly after, carrying two cups of hot tea. Dick handed Jason his and he quickly brought the cup to his face, breathing in the steam. 

"So what should we watch?" Dick asked, perusing through the shelf of movies stacked next to the big screen tv.

"Something Disney?" Duke suggested, they had reclaimed their place by Jason's feet, content smiling on their face as they sipped their tea. "It's a sick day past time."

"hmm, you got a point." Dick said looking back to the disks. "What about _The Lion King_?"

" _Mulan's_ always a good one." Duke suggested. "But I'll end up singing along if we turn it on."

"You and me both," Dick said, "What's your favorite Disney movie, Jay?"

Jason shook off the sleepiness that had begun to pull his eyelids shut again. " _Treasure Planet._ "

"Good choice," Dick said finding the correct DVD in the stack.

The movie began as Jason quickly finished his tea. Jim Hawkins was listening to the stories of Captain Flint as Jason lay back into the couch putting his feet into Duke's lap. The teen didn't seem to mind and was sinking into the couch cushions just as much. Jason couldn't help smiling again. He fell asleep to the sound of Jim's mother chastising him for almost getting arrested.  

 

* * *

 

Jason awoke to soft fingers curling through his hair. He looked up to see Cass above him. Somehow his head had ended up in her lap. He knew she was the stealthiest of all of them and he was off his game due to his cold, but he was still startled to have slept through her joining him and Duke on the couch. 

"Hello, brother," she whispered down to him, her hands never stopping their soothing pattern.

"When'd you get here?" Jason murmured back. He could hear the sound of the movie playing in the background.

"Not long," she said. "Heard we were having movie night."

Jason looked around and saw that the others had all joined them in the living room. Duke still sat at his feet, now with a large tub of popcorn in his hands. Damian was sitting on the floor in front of him, seemingly enraptured by the movie. Dick sat in front of where Cass sat leaning back into her legs his head was right next to Jason's when Jay turned to look at him. Tim was lying across the floor on his back, not even bothering to pretend to be invested in the movie, he was smiling at his cellphone. Jason swore he could see the words _Cloneboy_ at the top of the screen. And last but not least Bruce was sitting in the armchair next to the couch, and when Jason looked over he caught his eye. 

He had that smile he sometimes got, the fatherly one. Something bursting with pride and just that look that he was grateful, to be where he was. To be with who he was.

"The families all here," Jason croaked out, possibly too loud as all heads turned to look at him. It seemed like Bruce might cry, his smile stretching up even farther in his face.

"An astute observation, sir." Alfred said. He was standing by the screen, a phone in his hand. It looked like he had been taking pictures already. "Everyone smile." He said.

Damian grumbled until Duke nudged him, and everyone seemed to put on their smiles. Jason did too, watching as the phone let out a soft faint click and Alfred looked down at it smiling warmly.

Jason's eyes began to tear up and he didn't think he could stop them if he tried. Cassandra curled her arms around his head as he brought his hands to his eyes trying to hide it, trying to hold it all in.

"It's okay, it's okay," she murmured. 

Dick had turned around where he sat, "What's wrong?" He asked worry dripping from his voice.

"It's nothing," Jason said, "This part just always gets to me."

Dick and Cass both looked back at the screen to hear Silver tell Jim.

_"'Now you listen to me, James Hawkins. You got the makings of greatness in you, but you got to take the helm and chart your own course. Stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes you get the chance to really test the cut of your sails, and show what you're made of... well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day.'_

Cassandra let her head sit atop Jason's as they watched the screen, arms still holding him in a slight embrace. Both her and Dick had slightly watery smiles on their faces. When Jason looked across the room he could of sworn his dad was crying as he looked at them, but it was dark and, really, who was he to say.

Jason really had missed his family, but he'd never say that out loud.

 

* * *

 

Jason zipped up his coat, this time unaided thank god. It seemed the whole family besides Bruce had come to see him off, which was embarrassing enough as it was. 

Dick was standing next to him alongside Alfred, while the rest of the kids where lounging on the stairs.

"Now, no repeats of this week, master Jason," Alfred said as he handed Jason a duffel bag that had his clothes washed and folded, some extra containers of soup and cold medicine in it. "When you're very sick or injured you come right here."

"Yes, yes, Alfred. I know you fall apart without anyone to dote on." Jason said with a smirk.

"Don't be such a stranger," Dick said coming up and hugging him before Jason could make his escape. Something occurred to Jason as Dick squished him uncomfortably.

"Am I taller than you?" Jason asked. Which was impossible wasn't it? I mean he was... the way he was.

"What? No." Dick said, but when he pulled back from Jason he saw that he was about half an inch shorter than his younger brother.

"He is!" Tim exclaimed, and Dick smiled like the sun, Jason could hear the others chatter around him. Suddenly Dick's smile quickly merged into sadness.

"When did you grow up so much?" Dick asked teary eyed as he tried to hug Jason again. Jason put a hand to his chest, holding him back.

"Nah, no more of that Goldie." His mind was still reeling, he never thought he could ever be taller than Dick, who had always towered over him when he was younger.

A thought came to him and he ran from the foyer the swivel of six heads following him.

"Bruce!!" He yelled running to the clock and descending the steps of the cave two at a time. "Bruce!"

Bruce sat in front of the bat computer staring intently at the screen, at the sound of Jason's hurried decent he looked over startled.

"Bruce!" Jason said coming to stop next to him, "Stand up."

"What?" Bruce asked.

**"Stand up."**

"Why?"

"Just do it!" Duke yelled from behind them. Jason turned to see the rest of the family had followed him. Dick was halfway down the stairs and still approaching, although slowly since he had Damian hitching a piggyback ride, Alfred was behind them looking worriedly at Dick's feet probably scared he might slip. Duke, Cassandra, and Tim stood together at the top of the stairs, Tim looked like he had his phone out and was filming. Jason flipped off the camera with a smirk before turning back to Bruce who was looking thoroughly confused.

"Get up." Jason said again impatiently.

Bruce stood and Jason's breath left him in a startled gasp.

"I'm taller than you." Jason said.

"What?" Bruce said. Coming up closer to Jason to see, and he was in fact shorter if only by the slightest amount, a barely visible difference.

"You are." Bruce said eyes wide.

"I'm the tallest!" Jason exclaimed, "you hear that," he said to the crowd watching him, using both hands flip off the camera again. "I'm the fucking tallest!" 

"Jason," Bruce said exasperated.

"What's that, shorty?" Jason asked, he heard muffled snickers behind him. Bruce didn't look happy.

"Please don't let this go to your head." Bruce said.

"Oh, you mean my head that's taller than yours," Jason said as he began to head back out of the cave.  

 "Jason!" Bruce called after him

"Sorry, you have to be this tall to hang with me," Jason said putting his hand to the top of his head. He passed Duke, Cass, and Tim and they were all wearing matching smirks, laughter caught in their smiles. Tim was still filming him as he went.

"I'm never going to hear the end of this am I?" Bruce asked.

"You have to give him the little things, master Bruce." Alfred said.

"I'm already surrounded by little things!" Jason called back as he slid through the clock door cackling.

He took one of the faster cars when he left, put the hood down and let the wind blow through his hair, feeling lighter than he had in a long time.

 

He truly loved his family, but he'd never say that out loud.

It was okay, he didn't think he really needed to.

**Author's Note:**

> Jason is a soft boy and he loves his family, fight me. 
> 
> The Chrysalids by John Wyndham is a p book if you're looking for some really old sci-fi to read btw!


End file.
